Holy Crap: Shoplifter Busted Hiding Ribeyes Inside of His Colostomy Bag

In another ghastly dispatch from the frontlines of dumbed-down America, a South Carolina man has been arrested after smuggling several ribeye steaks out of a grocery store concealed inside of his colostomy bag. It is a particularly audacious attempt at shoplifting and had he gotten away with it one has to wonder just how much Lea & Perrins meat marinade that it would have taken to wash away the shitty taste. The perpetrator, a man named David Samuel Hoyt who looks like a bug-eyed meth freak is currently cooling his heels in the county jail.

This heinous tale of criminal activity is chronicled in gut-wrenching detail at the website The Smoking Gun in the story entitled “Cops: Shoplifter Hid Steaks In Colostomy Bag”:

A South Carolina man arrested yesterday for shoplifting ribeye steaks from a Food Lion smuggled meat out of the store in his colostomy bag, according to a police interview with the suspect’s girlfriend.

Cops were called Tuesday afternoon to the Food Lion after employees reported that “an older white male” stole $75 worth of ribeye steaks. The workers said that the man drove away from the Roebuck store in a green Nissan (the license plate for which they copied down).

Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office deputies traced the car back to David Samuel Hoyt, 55, who they found at the residence of Angela Woody, who “lives on Shaw Rd. down from the Church of God.”

During questioning, Hoyt initially denied stealing the steaks, but later “made a verbal confession” to the theft, saying that he put the meat in bags and walked out of Food Lion.

Woody, Hoyt’s 47-year-old girlfriend, offered a police lieutenant further details about her beau’s steak heist. “Mrs. Woody confirmed that Mr. Hoyt had taken meat from Food Lion by putting it in his colostomy bag,” a deputy noted.

Thankfully, additional details about that means of conveyance were not memorialized by investigators.

Hoyt was arrested for shoplifting and booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor charge. He remains locked up on $2130 bond.

Times are indeed tough all over these days in the banana republic of Obamastan but this story gives an entirely new meaning to desperation.

Police Seeking Georgia Waffle House Masturbator

In another of those strange and sordid tales that exemplify the moral and cultural rot in the star-spangled republic of Obamastan, police are seeking a man who was caught on video while masturbating in a Waffle House restaurant where he was employed. The perp, a 36 year old named  Emanuel Williams is wanted on public indecency charges for the act which took place at a Macon, Georgia location on Monday. Williams is reportedly a convicted felon who had previously served time in prison on sex related charges.

As reported by the New York Daily News in the story “Ex-Waffle House employee wanted after co-worker filmed him masturbating in Georgia diner: cops”:

A Waffle House masturbator is being sought by Georgia police after video surfaced of the since-fired employee pleasuring himself in one of the restaurant's booths, authorities say.

Emanuel Williams, who up until the video's discovery worked at the Macon eatery, was filmed committing the unappetizing act by a coworker Monday who told police "no one would believe her" unless she got it on video, the Smoking Gun reported.

Sure enough, investigators who watched the video say the 36-year-old registered sex offender is "clearly" seen masturbating while facing a window as the repulsed coworker threatens to post the video on the web.

As Williams went at it, his fellow employee claims he told her that he "didn't care" if the video went viral and he "continued on until he masturbated."

The website the Smoking Gun provides more graphic details of Williams’ whipping up of a batch of fresh batter in the story entitled “Police Hunting Waffle House Masturbator”:

Investigators who watched the video reported that it “clearly” shows Williams masturbating and “has a shot of his penis.” While pleasuring himself, Williams was “sitting at a booth facing a window,” according to a Bibb County Sheriff's Office report.

As detailed in a second police report, Williams and a female coworker were the only employees in the eatery Monday when Williams announced that he was preparing to pleasure himself. The woman, who said she was on the phone at the time, told deputies that she did not take Williams seriously.

Upon finishing her call, the woman “walked over to the suspect to see if he really was jacking his penis, and he was,” an investigator reported. The woman said that she began recording Williams with her phone because she “knew no one would believe her” when she later recounted the incident.

“She stated that as she was recording him, she was telling him the whole time that she was recording him and that he was a pervert,” a deputy noted. “She stated that he responded by saying he wasn't a pervert he was just a freak."

Freak, pervert or just plain old compulsive masturbator, Williams was fired from his job with the popular chain. But beware that if he manages to evade the long arm of the law he may soon be working the griddle at a Dennys near you. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "loosely scrambled".

NFL Player Sues Florida Cops Over Masturbation Mixup

You have to forgive west central Florida cops for getting their game faces on with former Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston all but certainly coming to the area very soon but they got the wrong guy this time. NFL defensive back Nate Allen who just signed a free agent deal with the Oakland Raiders is suing Fort Myers police for detaining him over allegedly choking the chicken in front of a teen aged girl. In a case of mistaken identity Allen was arrested and held back in February after police responded to reports of a black man in a black truck playing with his private parts.

As reported by the police abuse watchdog website Copblock in the story “NFL Star Nate Allen Sues Fort Myers Police Department”:

Nate Allen, formerly with the Philadelphia Eagles until free agency brought him to the Oakland Raiders this winter, was detained by police in February of this year. A 16 year old girl had called police and stated she saw a person in a black truck driving and masturbating. The police found Allen in his black truck some time after and detained him.

It turns out that Allen was not masturbating in his truck because at the time of the call he was eating dinner at Red Lobster and taking photographs with the staff. Yet, that didn’t stop the police from prematurely releasing the information and putting Allen through some public embarrassment. This wasn’t good for him, since last was the final year of his contract and players have recently lost their jobs for off field antics. Having to negotiate with teams while that potential issue hung over his head obviously was not to his advantage.

While Allen was cleared it was obviously a traumatic experience and could damage his image by causing him to be labeled as one of the thugs, drunks and domestic abusers that the NFL keeps punishing so a simple apology won’t suffice. So he has justifiably filed suit against the Ft. Myers police department.

Despite what is an embarrassing kerfuffle over the Nate Allen ordeal, all police departments within a 150 mile radius of Tampa should be on high alert. The putrid Tampa Buccaneers have the first pick in the NFL draft and are a virtual lock to draft the crab leg stealing, accused rapist Winston who will be rolling down I-75 with millions of dollars and a caravan of his homeys. The famous all nude strip joints on Dale Mabry Highway are likely salivating over the record business around training camp time. So likely are the cops to whom bagging the kingfish from Tallahassee when he inevitably breaks bad will deliver a coveted trophy to be mounted on their precinct wall.