American Blood Sport: 2014 Black Friday Carnage Begins Earlier than Ever

Don’t even bother with the formalities of the traditional family Thanksgiving dinner this year. Just grab a turkey sandwich on the way out the door to the earlier than ever Black Friday sales events. In an ongoing race to the bottom, American retailers have gradually shifted their "door buster" sales extravaganzas from midnight on Friday into turkey day itself. Perhaps I am too old fashioned in that I find it abhorrent that a cherished annual holiday is being poisoned by the now obvious flaws in the American character. It just seems like greed, sloth,  selfishness, the need for that narcotic hit of instant gratification and most of all the suffocating dumbness that is so prevalent in late 2014 just did not exist back in the ‘good old days’. 

Despite my contempt for many stupid national rituals I have always been a sucker for Thanksgiving and a day when eating like a pig for once has an excuse. Other than having to occasionally deal with obnoxious family members like a virulently racist stepfather, an overbearing Jewish narcissist of a mother in law and other quirky personalities it is usually a good day. Food, drink and plenty of football. I get it that the real pilgrims were religious zealots cast out of England for their insane ways and sent to early America to kill "injuns" but fuck it, I just love this one particular holiday. It has yet to be completely ruined in the way that Christmas has but it isn't for lack of trying on the behalf of the greedy bastards who have run this once great country into the ground. 

The big retailers were throwing their doors open to the rampaging hordes as early as 6 pm yesterday. This was just around halftime of the humiliating stomping administered to Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys by the Philadelphia Eagles. One of the great joys of Thanksgiving day is when the Cowboys lose and seeing that lemon-sucking, plastic surgery enhanced face of Jones as his asshole puckers. Such was a day yesterday when former Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez rose like a phoenix from the ashes of the legendary, career killing “butt fumble” to batter America’s team. The brutality on the field at the gargantuan electronic hippodrome in Arlington was however no match for the now traditional spectacle of idiots pummeling each other over limited quantities of deeply discounted made in China crap.

The inevitable videos of in store violence have already been popping up with two women in a California Wal-Mart throwing down over a Barbie doll. A stocky dude in Indiana wearing a Chicago Bears jersey very aggressively going after a home entertainment component with more vigor than an actual member of the NFL team and a brawl between two women at a Kohl’s store in California. The madness has even spread across the pond where one of this year’s best early internet videos has a knock-down, drag-out fight over cheap panties in a Victoria’s Secret outlet in the UK. There were  also reports of Michael Brown supporters boycotting stores in Ferguson (no reports of looting) and the usual myriad of the scrums of desperate and stupid people behaving badly.

People who have a certain sick sense of humor revel in the reports of in store slugfests and a good share of them always seem to take place at Wal-Mart locations. In a sign that the mega-chain that ate America is developing some sensitivity over the Black Friday bloodbaths this year there was an emphasis on getting the word out that the sales would spread over a five day period.  Big Smiley just endured the indignity of having to yank an ad about “fat girl” Halloween costumes that inflamed the political correctness Nazis and seems to be grappling with an identity crisis. Not that I can understand why “fat girl” costumes would present an image problem considering the parade of human livestock that on any given day shops there, but there is more competition for fewer dollars in the economic wasteland of Obamastan these days.

I am sure that the reports of fighting at the Big Smiley mosh pits will continue to break as the day goes on and more eyewitnesses are able to upload their smartphone videos to You Tube.