I wonder what the over/under Vegas betting line is on people who will be trampled to death this coming Black Thursday-Friday weekend is? The biggest and baddest shopping day of the year for maxed-out and busted-down Americans has now been extended into Thanksgiving Day itself so we could be hearing the stories before the turkey gravy has had adequate time to congeal. On a positive note it offers an exit strategy from having to deal with those annoying relatives that one must tolerate for the holidays, when Uncle Dan has become heavily intoxicated and is ranting about Obama the Muslim, the “queers” getting married and America going to hell over legalized pot. Why hang around when you can go and mingle with even bigger assholes down at your friendly local big box retail outlet? As it sits right now Black Friday has officially jumped the shark with the bleed over into Thanksgiving as well as all of the “fun” of anticipating the deals being spoiled. Most of the big retailers have already released their ads and the deals are not what they once were.
Wal-Mart, the emporium of the burgeoining underclass opens at 6 on turkey day, there are such deals as a $98 thirty-two inch LED HDTV, a $38 Blu-Ray player and $299 iPad mini’s with a $100 gift card that you can use to buy even more Chinese made junk in the store. The variation of the normal retail bait and switch is Big Smiley’s 1 hour in stock guarantee on these and other coveted sale items. Guaranteed along with the inevitable deep discounts on movies, video games etc to generate a violent stampede through the big box store that will demolish all in it’s wake as it roars into the electronics department, normally located in the back of the store. The big day is always good for at least one horrendous incident at Wally World whether it be a stomping as the doors are thrown open or some poor old lady betting sucked under by a mob destroying the discount DVD displays. It should be mandatory for every Wal-Mart Super Store to have paramedics circling the building in the event that a victim is in need of immediate evacuation. I always get a kick out of the pictorial features of The People of Wal-Mart and just taking a gander at the dregs of humanity on display should have any sane person wanting to stay the hell away.
There will be early openings at Target, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Kohls, and the list is growing but none are as shameless as K-Mart though which has drawn criticism for plans to open at 6 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and stay open for 41 hours straight. It is not only dishonorable to family unity but is nothing less than sheer unadulterated greed, the real losers being the poor, forlorn employees who not only are unable to spend the day with their family but have to man the frontlines when the hooligans are unleashed - their employer could at least provide them with store colored riot gear. Plumbing the bottom of the barrel though is Macy’s who gussied up their 8 pm opening with the hogwash that the deals would begin “after families across the country have finished their holiday meals and celebrations”. My God where has the humility gone? The greedy bastards have been taking a ding in sales as the government barometer of “consumer confidence” has taken a tumble so they are all in on Thanksgiving openings. What’s next in this soul less husk of a country, post-Christmas clearing sales at 11:59 on December 24th? What a disgusting orgy of consumerism, the Fox-o-sphere and crazy religious freaks constantly wail that the dirty liberals have “taken the Christ out of Christmas” but fail to hold retail giants to the same standards. That is a story for another time though.
There are those who bemoan the destruction of the American family and you can put down Black Friday’s absorbtion of Thanksgiving as Exhibit A on the list of culprits. We really have so little time as it is and should honor tradition and spend the holidays with loved (and loathed) ones, after all they are family. While I thankfully don’t have an obnoxious drunken “Uncle Dan” to tolerate during the annual pig-out feast I do have the misfortune of having to deal with my chronically bitching Jewish mother in law, a woman whose guiding philosophy of life is that everyone exists solely to kiss her big ass and once you get that straight well just sit back and enjoy the sweet potato pie. I also have a bigoted stepfather from some ass backwards Louisiana town down behind the cornbread curtain who could do everyone a favor and just find a local klavern hall to hang out in with others who share his views. I am very thankful that I don’t have to deal with him on turkey day but like the proverbial “jelly of the month club” he is the gift that keeps on giving come Christmas. While they are both annoying pains in the ass they are after all family, the ones that people should be spending the holidays with instead of throwing down with total strangers in a scrum at the big box outlet. Sometimes it is best to just follow Bluto Blutarsky’s advice by drinking heavily.
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